Sometimes in the months after losing my sight, the things that drove me a bit mad were pretty significant – fears about my health or career, and the fact that I now had to rely on other people so much more for help to do things I used to do without thinking. Day to day, these things lurk in the background, a grey fog of stress that pervades into everything you try to do. But realistically, even in the lowest times, you can’t spend every minute thinking about the enormity of it all. It’s the little things that can make the difference between a manageable day, and the days where you just have to either laugh or cry at how ridiculous things are. These are just a few of the little things, and I choose to focus on them because fighting fog is never satisfying.
Buzzing insects
This is usually more annoying in summertime when the lack of air-conditioning in my flat means I have the windows open a lot. You’re relaxing on the sofa and then you hear it: BUZZZZZZZ. Is it a fly? A bumblebee? A wasp? Either way, not being able to see it, you have three options: hope it goes back where it came from, spray bug spray absolutely everywhere and hope you don’t wind up getting stung repeatedly by a disgruntled wasp, or accidentally killing an overly friendly bee, or having to accept that you now have a new room-mate who keeps you awake all night and won’t even contribute to the rent.
Is something actually clean?
Clothes, plates, glasses, your own face…
I have lost count of the number of times that I have left the house or almost left the house only to be told that my top has toothpaste on it, or I have lipstick on my teeth, or I’ve done the washing up and someone else has ended up having to re-do it because I’ve missed spots. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful that people bother to point these things out so I don’t end up living in a perpetual mess, but it can also get really infuriating. It’s a catch-22, because you don’t want people doing everything for you, but there are times that you think: “Well if I’m making such a mess of things, why don’t you just do it yourself?”. Not that wouldn’t be equally irritating in an entirely different way.
Nature
It isn’t perpetually raining in England, but sometimes it can feel that way! When I first lost my sight, I received mobility training with both an indicator cane and a long white cane. The long cane is designed to help negotiate walking outside, and it is useful in part for making you aware about changes in surface or gradient, so if you’re going downhill, walking on grass vs pavement, or about to step off a kerb. What I never found it useful for, is puddles. Puddles, especially in winter when they have potential to also be icy, are the most infuriating because whereas most people find puddles annoying but they can see when they’re in their oncoming path and generally walk around them or hop over them. If you can’t see them and walk along only to find that now your socks are now soaked through and your feet are going to be damp for the rest of the day, it can get pretty frustrating.
Not being able to colour match
Having some colour vision is fantastic in comparison to not having any at all, but it does mean that I have bought clothes on numerous occasions thinking that they’re black, only to be told they’re navy, or purple. I’ve ended up with a pretty small colour range of ‘safe’ colours that I know I can wear together and won’t look odd even if they aren’t the exact colour I think they are. And don’t get me started on the whole ‘The Dress ia blue/black thing that was doing the rounds a couple of years ago…
Accidentally blanking people
Okay, I have two options. Unless I’m expecting you, or I know you really well, for the most part I won’t identify you partcularly quickly. If I see you out of context, walking past me in a shop or down a corridor, I will pretty much guaranteed accidentally blank you. This is a combination of having virtually no peripheral vision, so unless you say something to me, I’ll have no reason to turn my head towards you, and if you don’t say anything at all even if you’re right in front of me, there is a good chance I will end up starting a conversation with a random stranger. Perhaps I’m doing life wrong, and I should be talking to strangers more often than not, but in the interest of not confusing innocent bystanders I’m more likely to just walk on by. And you’ll probably think I’m a bitch. Maybe next time, you can say hi?
Not being able to run late for anything… or constantly running late for everything
Going from full vision to limited vision, it took my brain a long time to reconcile the fact that everything I used to do in minutes would suddenly take me quite a bit longer. I never liked being late, but I liked to think I was very pragmatic about my use of time and if I knew that for example putting my makeup on took me 10 minutes, I would leave it until the last 10 minutes. Once I lost my sight, I realized that things like this would take me longer to get right, but for a while I was still trying to cram them into the same amount of time, which just meant I’d end up frustrated, late, and far more chaotic than I needed to be.
Unsurprisingly, there’s a lot more little things that I’ve struggled and learned to cope with, so I’ll probably space these out into future posts. Otherwise this will just turn into one long whine-fest!
